Sweet Bella Vita

a dash of motherhood… a sprinkle of homeschooling… and a pinch of photography ( with a side of compassion )


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if you live your life waiting for the storm; you will never appreciate the sunshine

One of my kids wants another golden and wants to name her Bianca and I told him right away that won’t be happening. There was only one Bianca and she is gone and we must accept that she is not replaceable. I think  this is his way of dealing with the loss that he wants to fill… as I know he misses her very much.

I am no where close to wanting another dog at the moment. I have lost 3 in the last 9 years. My heart feels completly broken and with each one they have taken a piece of my heart with them. 

And Bianca in particular has taken a very large piece;  perhaps becuase she was the last of the trio;  perhaps becuase she lived the longest or becuase she was so attached to me and I to her. I found comfort in her so many times and even after the death of her sister … we found comfort in each other.

I can’t take the pain; yet I keep thinking how privileged I am to feel this pain. How many can say they loved so deeply ? how many can say they were loved so deeply ?

She loved me. I know she did becuase it was in her eyes… and I felt it deep in my heart.

I sit here crying.

I sit here thinking how can I go on without her… I don’t want to live a life without her in it… yet I remember feeling this way when my parents died as well… how does one pick up and go on? 

I have done it before; yet I can’t tell you how. Somehow it happens … the tears dry up and life goes on. 

I hate the house feeling so empty. Yes we have Jazz at the moment. She is with us for about another 7 months.  I think 1 of my kids will take it very hard when she goes as he is completly attached to her. 

Although  I had to send her away for a few days as I could’t take her. She was making me mad… and it was’t her fault … so I felt it was better she goes away for a bit. The fact that she is so young and healthy I think was making me feel mad… and that she is here and Bianca is not.

One of my favourite quotes … “if you live your life waiting for the storm you will never appreciate the sunshine”

and yes; If I live worrying about loss what kind of life am I living?

I loved her … for 13 + years she gave me so much happiness and love … would I give that up just avoid this pain?? … just to  avoid feeling such sadness… right now that I am crying my eyes out I want to say yes but I know I wouldn’t. I would not change a thing about having her in my life!

I feel like I could go on writing about her forever…  like maybe if I keep writing about her she will somehow come back. 

Puppies are cute and cuddly … but there is a certain kind of something that comes with an old dog that has  been by your side her whole life … a certain kind of familiarity … a certain kind of companionship.

I am trying to work on a video of Bianca as I did one for her sister … but I am having a much harder time … as Bianca lay  by my feet while I worked on her sisters’ video and I spoke to Bianca and cried with her as I did this  …. and now I find myself alone looking at pictures of Bianca. 

but I will get there soon. 

a friend gave me this quote and it struck a cord with me 

“It came to me that every time I lose a dog it takes a piece of my heart… And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of theirs. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.”–Unknown

and this brings me to 72 hours with her gone. 

thank you to all the wonderful friends who have messaged me such sweet messages… I am overwhelmed with the amount of love. 

~Lisa


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goodbye sweet Bianca

I am devastated.

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I can’t sleep.

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I can’t eat.

all I want is to have you here with me. I want to touch your soft ears. see your smile.

my heart is broken.

you are gone.

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you were here and now you are not… and I can not grasp how this is possible after 13 and 1/2 years.

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you have been my everything, for as long as I can remember. my rock when your sister died on us. my shadow around the house. my best friend. my companion on walks. the last one I saw before I fell asleep and the first one I saw when I opened my eyes.

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you were always by my side, even when in so much pain you chose to come up the stairs just to be close to me rather then stay where it was cooler and more comfortable for you.

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your love for me and us was greater then the pain you were going through.

always by my side.

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you always had a smile on your face. I am so happy you chose us. I am so grateful for all the years you gave us. so grateful for how you looked after the kids; with your gentle stare and the love in your eyes.

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I want to say be free … run … find your sister ( give her a hug for me) . Take those breaths that were so hard to take the last few days. stretch those legs that no longer supported you. but i greedily still wish you were here with me.

but I hope you are no longer in pain.

I think you were scared to leave me at least that is what I felt from you the last few days … and I was scared for you to leave as well… but know that you are in my heart; you will always be in it.

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Thank you for choosing us as your family. Thank you for giving us 13 years of love. Thank you !!!

Rest in Peace
Bianca

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February 9th 2003 – July 6th 2016
my sweet, always smiling, gentle love

i am devastated … i know this will pass… I have loved and lost so many that i sadly know this pain too well… i am so sad she is gone… so sad and yet i hope she is no longer in pain … i was lucky to have her for 4,896 days and i feel privileged as only a few get to experience this kind of love.

~So I wish you all this kind of pain one day for it shall mean you loved!

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~Lisa


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8 year old finished processing santa

So a few hours went by after blowing the lid on the whole santa thing … and my 8 year old is in front of me and brings up santa. I look at him unsure about what to say as I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to tell him again as he perhaps wasn’t sure he understood what I had said earlier or he wanted to pretend he does exist and go with that. I asked him “do you want the truth or do you want me to tell you something you want to hear?”

And he hesitated and his first answer was “both”, Which made me sad for a second but then he quickly said “I want the truth.”

So I still felt a little down as I felt like I killed it for him but then I remembered a letter I had saved several years ago that was written  by another blogger and I went to get it and used parts of it to help explain.

He asked me for clarity; if I am santa….

I said “no. I am not Santa. There is no ONE Santa.”

“I am the person who fills your stocking and I wrap your gift under the tree with dad’s help.”

“I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning and sit under the tree with their faces lit with Christmas lights.”

“This won’t make you Santa, though either.”

“Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.”

“It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.”

“Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.”

“With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.”

“So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.” *

What really made him light up was when I told him he was santa too !

and it was in that moment that all the doubts and questions of ‘should I have said all of this’ disappeared  🙂

My 8 year old is so excited about the spirit of santa and thrilled that he knows about the magic… so perhaps I haven’t messed up after all 🙂

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~Lisa

*the letter I used can be found at this site; http://www.cozi.com/live-simply/truth-about-santa and I believe the original author is Martha Brockenbrough

update: a week has gone by since I told him and he seems more excited and happier then ever


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Christmas wish … Buon Natale

Dear friends and family

Near and far … here and gone ….

Christmas is about love and magic; so  I wish you all a magical love filled Christmas.

May you be with the ones  you love and love you and may you  never forget the ones who once were and will always live on in your heart.

Merry Christmas

Cari amici e familia

Vi auguro un Natale pieno di magia è amore …

Spero che siete circondati di quelli che vi amano e che amate; e che non dimenticherete mai quelli che non ci sono più con noi; ma vivano nel nostro cuore per sempre.

Buon  Natale

2014xmas

~Lisa


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calf elephant in river

this elephant calf rescue in the river is so precious … you see how intelligent these animals are and how solid these herds are , how they keep each other safe and help each other out

Lisa


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mommy day

I want to wish all you mommies a very happy mommy day!

I hope your little ones drew and wrote you sweet notes… whispered I love yous in your ears and gave you great big hugs and kisses!

and a very special happy mothers day to my mom … I miss you like crazy and I think of you every day

my mom and me

my mom and me as a baby

 

Lisa